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Fragile

19 October 2009

We had a bit of a scare a few weeks ago. I was asleep on Lucy's floor by her bed, and I woke up to her dry heaving, shivering, and having a hard time focusing. We thought maybe she had the flu or was possibly having increased cranial pressure. I got dressed and drove her to Phoenix Children's Hospital. She was able to converse with me in the car, but right when we got to the hospital, she became unresponsive and started losing the color in her face and turning blue. As soon as they saw her in the ER, they were calling for doctors and nurses to come. They told me to lay her down and take off her dress. i was expecting her to freak out and cry, but she didn't. She was just lying there while they took blood, started an IV, and started her on oxygen (her O2 sats were in the 70s).

It turns out that she was having a seizure. It was terrifying. I was suprisingly calm because I knew that they needed her medical history, and I knew that I needed to focus and give them as much information as I could so they would know how to help her. They gave her medication to stop the seizure and she responded very well to just one dose. An MRI showed no increased pressure in her brain, and her EEG showed no epileptic activity. She did have a fever afterwards at the hospital, so we are hoping that was the trigger and this won't be something that happens very frequently, if ever again.

This seriously threw me off my game. It made me feel fragile, like this thing--these people--that I love so much can just break without warning. It was a rude reminder that we are not invincible, that in an instant it could all change or be taken away, that every moment with my sweet babies is truly a gift. You would think I would know this by now. I guess I have known this, but it is easier to operate under the assumption that there are countless tomorrows. The thought of something happening to her is just more than I can handle, and I can handle a lot. It is incredible how much I love my these tiny people. They somehow are part of me, and I imagine I would not exist without them.

So, in addition to vowing to be a better mom and live more in the moment, we have had to make some changes around here. We bought a video monitor for nap time, and one of us always sleeps with her at night. We haven't figured out an ideal sleeping solution yet (at the moment Steve is asleep on her floor like he is most nights), but we are making it work. I am terrified to leave her alone for more than a few minutes. Every time I walk back into a room, I think to myself, "Please don't be laying lifeless on the floor." Happy thought, huh?

So far we have not had another incident. We are so thankful for that. I know that the Lord is active in our lives and that he made sure I was in her room that morning. I feel certain that I would not have heard her if I hadn't been, and I would not have checked on her for hours. I am unbelievable grateful, and I sing "You Are My Sunshine" to the girls before bed as more of a plea now...please don't take my sunshine away.

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Laura M. said the following on 6 November 2009:

Oh my gosh Steph - I am so bad at checking blogs! I just read this and cannot believe it! I am so glad Little Lucy is okay, and that you were there that morning. I am in tears reading your post. I think any mother can understand the fear of having to go through something like that. Thank you for reminding us how precious each moment is! I hope she is okay and it doesn't happen ever again! We miss you guys! I can't believe how grown up she looks in the pictures!!

Annette Adams said the following on 5 November 2009:

Not sure if you remember me (we moved out of the ward about a year ago), but I still love to check on how everyone is doing- That being said, this post so struck a cord with me. Our little Owen had a febrile seizure when he was 14 months old and it was life changing. I know that you've gone through so much more with your precious Lucy, but seizures are so scary. And I hate that the doctors (at least mine) were very nonchalant about it, telling us how common seizures were for some kids and that they don't cause any lasting damage to them. But what about the lasting damage to us?! I can say it is so good to have your eyes opened to how truly grateful you are for your children, but what my mom told me (and still tells me when I tell her how I don't want my kids away for even a sleepover), that as much as we can do, ultimately Heavenly Father is in charge and we have to put our trust in him. Do everything we can in our power, and then pray like mad that we'll be able to handle whatever he gives us. You are so inspiring and such an amazing example.

Brynn said the following on 4 November 2009:

Oh my gosh. What a crazy moment. Things like really make you appreciate life. That is so scary. Hopefully this is only a one time thing. She is so sweet.

tiffany garfield said the following on 3 November 2009:

Steph!

unreal. unreal that this happened. unreal post. it totally made me cry. your words are so sweet and so true. it made me think about a lot. thank you. i hope she's doing well now and that everything is going to be ok. like you said, the lord is active in our lives. thank you again for such a sweet post. twink :)

Steph C. said the following on 3 November 2009:

Oh Steph-once again you remind me to slow down. Breathe. And recommit to living in the moment. I'm so sorry you had such a scary experience-but so glad it turned out to be what it was. I hope you are all doing well.

Carly said the following on 3 November 2009:

wow, how scary! i'm glad that lucy is okay and you are all so positive! it's amazing how our perspectives can change when things like this happen. what a good reminder to us all! i got your comment on my blog and just want to say thank you for your encouragement and offer to bring a meal. we are actually okay foodwise because my mom stocked us us pretty well before she left. thank goodness! we're doing good though. i have to admit i still have a lot of help even though my mom is gone so i can't complain!

Lauren said the following on 21 October 2009:

I am always impressed by how strong you are and Lucy too. I am so glad she's doing better. You are such an example to me.

Mom S. said the following on 19 October 2009:

As your mother, and the girls' gramma, I am overflowing with both awe and joy. Life is fragile, and precious, and always unknowing. But finding that perfect balance of living, knowing there ARE countless tomorrows, while not taking anything for granted and therefore being wise enough to live for today, that's what makes you amazing. None of our lives would be the same had you not had those 3 beautiful babies. We are blessed to share your joy, your fear, your humor and your love of life and love of your little ones! Thank you for that.

Ginny said the following on 19 October 2009:

Oh Steph--What a scary thing! I'm so glad beautiful Lucy is OK. I sing "You Are My Charlotte" all the time, and I feel the same way when I sing it. These little girls are such rays of joy. Love to you all.

Megan said the following on 19 October 2009:

I had no idea, I am so sorry! I loved your post, and am glad that Lucy is alright. You always amaze me. I want to see you soon :)

Tarah said the following on 19 October 2009:

I agree with Aubry...except I AM an emotional person, so my lump is more like tear swelled eyes!! It's crazy how precious and fragile life can be. You are such a great mom and Lucy and Scarlett are so lucky to have you and Steve!

Brandis said the following on 19 October 2009:

I love what you said about it being "easier to operate under the assumption that there are countless tomorrows". That is SO true and when things are going along smoothly for a while, it's easy to put out of your mind the possibility of bad things happening. Thank goodness Lucy is okay. The world wouldn't be the same without that sweet little girl!

aubry said the following on 19 October 2009:

i don't consider myself an emotional person, but i seriously can't get this lump out of my throat. what a wonderful post. you inspire me, steph. what a great friend you are. i'm excited to see you guys tomorrow, loves!